The Journey, Not the Destination

March 31, 2005

This year I have read some books and articles that have given me much food for thought. I’d like to share some of that “food” with you.

In Just Let Them Play, Bob Bigelow addresses the growing craziness of youth sports, decrying, among other things, “select” T-ball teams for five-year olds and tournaments for those “select” teams. Bigelow, a former NBA first round draft choice, very methodically debunks the fantasy that identifying a talented five, eight, or ten year old ensures the development of a highly successful teen athlete and the offer of a college scholarship. He laments the fact that late bloomers, who do not make the “select” teams at an early age, may never try a sport that they might be good at as adolescents because they have already been told that they are not good enough. He worries about the development of those who do make the teams. How many suffer from the burnout of constant play and practice of one sport?

While Bigelow wonders if the motivation for some parents might be a selfish reliving of their own athletic success or failure, he acknowledges that most parents see the craziness in the system, but worry that if so many others are doing it, they may be doing their child a disservice by not getting them on a travel team as soon as possible.

Although I have not yet read Michael Thompson’s new book, The Pressured Child, I did hear him speak at the NJAIS Conference this fall. He tackled the same topic of parental anxiety and the pressure it places on children to constantly achieve. Thompson suggests that this trend dates back to what was referred to as the Japanese miracle, which resulted in many American families wanting to emulate the Japanese. Whereas the Japanese model stresses acacademic achievement, Thompson points out that many American families want to emulate that model in all areas: academics, sports, arts, etc. The result is that children experience a strong expectation to achieve in all of these areas as they are shuffled from school, to practices, to lessons, and so on. Summer too often is seen as yet another opportunity to build a child’s resume, prompting one child whom Thompson interviewed to state, “I don’t want to be ‘gifted’ in the summer.”

In Family Matters, Rob Evans takes a look at the growing evidence that students seem to be harder to reach and teach, their attention and motivation are inconsistent, and their language and behavior are more provocative. He believes this is happening because parents are increasingly anxious about their children's success and at the same time less confident in their own ability to support and guide them. The result is a parenting style that demands constant, measured growth and achievement, while at the same time protecting “self-esteem” by “bubble-wrapping” children to shield them from experiencing frustration and failure.

How legitimate are the concerns of Bigelow, Thompson, and Evans? In the December 2004 issue of Psychology Today Hara Estroff Marano writes:

“Through 1996, the most common problems raised by students were relationship issues. That is developmentally appropriate, reports Sherry Benton, assistant director of counseling at Kansas State University. But in 1996, anxiety overtook relationship concerns and has remained the major problem.”

Marano argues that many young adults who have been raised with continuous expectations of high achievement while at the same time “bubble-wrapped” from experiencing failure or frustration, enter college unable to be resilient, independent, resourceful adults. She writes:

“Taking the discomfort, disappointment and even the play out of development, especially while increasing pressure for success, turns out to be misguided by just about 180 degrees. With few challenges all their own, kids are unable to forge their creative adaptations to the normal vicissitudes of life. That not only makes them risk averse, it makes them psychologically fragile, riddled with anxiety.”

Thompson and Evans specifically share a concern that the pressures on children increase as educators too often “buy into” this parental anxiety and reflect it in the school’s demands on students. They strongly urge educators to speak up about the true developmental journey; one that should include time and space for children to work through frustrations, difficulties, and failures.

The good news is that all of the writers above understand that the parental behaviors they observe and write about are motivated by a love for, and concern about their children. They just believe that we are getting it wrong; that we need to refocus on child-rearing and education as a developmental journey not a process of product development where children are fit into some molded model for success. The developmental journey includes opportunities for both successes and failures, both of which are critical to children growing into healthy, resilient, young adults. Children need room to “own” their interests and discover what they truly enjoy doing. Allowing children to experience the developmental journey helps them learn to solve difficulties, manage frustrations, build self confidence, take healthy risks, make choices, and provides them with opportunities to have fun. It is the journey, not the destination, which makes academics, arts, and athletics fun, and keeps our children growing in body, mind, and spirit.