Let the Kids Play

January 11, 2000

I recently went to watch a former student play at a squash tournament here in Princeton. After the first round of matches we went for some hot chocolate and conversation in one of the cafes in town. The father of this student commented on how many of the under 13 year old players were coming to tournaments with their personal coaches and what I thought about that. It led to a discussion that included my observation that, during the soccer season in the fall, I wondered how the kids on the field could be expected to communicate with one other, as they were constantly being yelled at and barraged with instructions from parents, coaches, and others on the side lines. My experience in Europe had been that as parents we would bring our kids to a Saturday morning “league,” and let the kids play. We would socialize and occasionally comment on a nice play, regardless of whose child made it. The shouting on the field was that of the children, with an occasional direction from one of the coaches.

Why this over-participation on the part of the adults? I have two theories (neither proven.) The first is that we often look to short term results, rather than long term. Parental urging and over-instruction does have some influence on the motivation and performance of a youngster. Children want to please the significant adults in their lives. The other theory is that the most traditional American sports have been very “Coach” driven. (Plays are designed and sent in by the coach.) In either case, the emphasis is on execution of skills rather than creative play.

But, what concerns me most as an educator, is not so much the cause, but the possible consequences of all of this external direction. Social psychologists have developed a theory that basically states - the more external motivation a person has to behave a certain way, the less likely it is that the person will develop internal motivation to behave that way. Consequently, when the external motivation is not present, the behavior is less likely to take place. For example, a child over-rewarded for reading will think of reading as work and will be less likely to read for pleasure. In many cases enjoyment goes hand in hand with internal motivation. This concept has caused many educators to critically review the practice of rewarding at every step in the process of learning.

Interestingly, my friend (the squash player’s father) mentioned that one of the top junior players in the world (not an American) had mentioned in an interview that American players currently cannot play with the best, because for all their training, they do not “have enough drive”. My feeling is that it is probably related to this idea of too much reliance on a coach. They are externally driven: if the coach can’t help them beat another player, than it just isn’t going to happen. As a player and a coach, I know that only the player can get himself to the top. When we coach, we help players grow and learn to the best of their ability. The best teachers and counselors know this, and work to make their students/clients independent and internally motivated, rather than dependent and externally motivated. We should know this as parents, as well.

So, if you want to help your sons to be strong players give them the following advice:

• practice hard
• keep your eye on the ball
• bend your knees
• be able to go left as well as you go right
• above all never give up

…………and then let them play.