On Resilience & Freedom

February 20, 2001

This summer I read an article discussing the observation that children brought up in the suburbs seem to have a higher incidence of asthma, allergies, and similar respiratory ailments than children brought up on farms. The article went on to say that some doctors are beginning to wonder if there is a connection between the highly sanitized housing typical of modern suburbs and the lack of resistance that children with these ailments seem to have. While I am not a doctor, I find this line of thinking interesting.

I have often feared that we may be doing a similar disservice to our children's psychological development by sanitizing their learning experiences. By attempting to remove all stressors and challenges that could lead to setbacks and disappointments, we may be inhibiting the development of what psychologists call resilience in our children. Resilience is defined by Webster as springing back into shape, recovering strength, spirits, etc. quickly. Psychologists have noted that resilience is a characteristic shared by many successful people in today's world of uncertainties and risk.

A good part of my growing up included creating and organizing games with the other kids in my neighborhood. When we wanted to play soccer, hockey or other games, we had to create and monitor our own rules. The arguments that arose were an important opportunity for learning. We learned that rules grow out of a common agreement among players. We learned how to negotiate. We even learned that you can argue over something with a good friend and still be friends.

When picking teams we learned that creating sides that were evenly matched resulted in the most fun for all. Were there opportunities for hurt and frustration? Of course! Imagine being me, the American, among European kids choosing sides for a soccer game. I was usually the last to be picked.

I am thankful that my parents did not have a coach or supervisor to whom they could complain about the possible damage to my self-esteem. I doubt they would have anyway. Their advice tended to be in the direction of, What can you do to change that situation? I could have quit, accepted the fact that I was chosen last, or worked hard on my skills to improve my standing. It was my choice.

Today I worry that too many adults feel a responsibility to intervene and make sure that all the stressors are eliminated and that everyone is happy all the time. As our children spend more and more time in programs that are structured and run by responsible adults they are missing opportunities to develop the skills and attitudes that are important components of the characteristic of resilience.

The opportunity to try and fail is a powerful learning experience for children. The need to protect and guide is a powerful response for parents. Perhaps we can learn from the advice of one of the five Goals and Criteria of the Sacred Heart which encourages us to give to our children an opportunity for personal growth in an atmosphere of wise freedom.